Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police discovered the body of a local cartoonist this morning. Details are a bit sketchy.

   ran over an old guy's guide dog today. Lucky for me there were no witnesses.

   approached a woman at a bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security!".

   My boss didn't know I drank, until one day I came to work sober.

   thinks that a perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children

   The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.

   Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil...and you'll never land a job working for a women's magazine.

   thinks that nutritional information should simply tell you the amount of exercise required to burn off whatever it is you're about to consume.

   thinks there's no substitute for research quite like making sh*t up.

   can't wait until Weight Watchers releases its own line of booze

   a totally down-to-earth chick because, you know...gravity.

   laying beside a dead deer in a santa suit

   was so depressed last night that I called Lifeline. I got through to a call centre in Afghanistan. I told them I was suicidal - they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

   Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets

   was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger...and then it hit me

   just two away from a threesome

   Computer games don't effect kids, I mean if Pac-Man affected kids, we'll all be around darkened rooms munching magic pills, listening to repetitive electronic music.

   ...it's not you, it's me. I don't like you

   thinks if you have a chip on your shoulder, you're missing your mouth.

   fed up with all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my penis, particularly since I'm a woman...so I've forwarded them to my ex.