Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Now if I could just figure out something to do with my hands, I'd be set!" - Every white guy while dancing, ever.

   I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

   Sometimes I wish I was a bird, so that when times got tough I could just fly over certain people and sh*t on their heads!

   Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.

   Falling in love is like getting drunk. you wake up with a horrible hangover, swearing that you'll never drink again ;-)*

   I wish my lawn was goth so it would cut itself.

   sometimes I wish my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   ending every sentence with "I'm Batman" instantly makes everything you say sound bad ass."

   Dreams of moving to India or Pakistan.....and becoming a Taxi driver

   PMS + GPS = Crazy biotch that WILL find you.

   thinks it's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

   while at a local Chinese restaurant I noticed a suggestion box and I wrote, "Free Tibet"

   "Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations. They may burst and result in a leak..."

   needs to clean my house....is there an app for that?

   In the past, people got fired putting that they hate their job on facebook. well I HATE MY JOB! I HATE MY JOB! --hope this works for me.

   Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don't make eye contact while eating a banana...

   Mr, T is opening a vegetarian restaurant. It's called "I pity the tofu".

   Rush Limbaugh is the new spokesman for preparation "H". There is no follow up needed.

   currently watching a jailbait parade

   I think Girls are like drugs, they make you feel soo good, but then they end up hurting you and you still want more.