Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

   "Follow your heart" is the biggest bunch of bullsh*t Ive ever heard!!!

   Things are always better when you get a pat on the Butt!!!!

   "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall"

   "Women are made to be loved, not understood."

   --^v--^v--^v--^v--^v_______literally bored to death_____

   When I handwrite an entire page it looks like I've had a stroke by paragraph two.

   A couple of kids asked me to teach them greatness so I bought all of them Miller light & told them to drink... Anymore questions?

   I just bent down to pet my cat, and it wasn't my cat. It turns out to be a sweater crumbled on the floor. I need better glasses!

   Sarcasm........ Killing relationships since eve Adam ate that apple

   BP says it will emerge from the current situation "smaller and wiser." I assume sea life will emerge "shinier and more waterproof."

   There is a difference between a porn stash and a porn 'stache.

   I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company.

   Last night was my fault, my wife asked, “what's on the TV?” and ….. I said, “dust!”

   dyslexic and just finished walking into a bra.

   If at first you don't succeed drink lots of Margaritas and blame that on your inadequacies.

   thinking that the dude who invented the self cleaning oven was an underachiever. I am sure if he put his mind to it he could have came up with the self cleaning house.

   God put one arm around me today for love and protection and then your hand over my mouth...It's just gonna be one of those days!

   wonders why everyone on facebook looks like they had a stroke I mean seriously that facial expression is stupid, and holding up the peace sign doesnt make you look any smarter.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.