Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.

   You can get your appetite elsewhere, as long as you eat at home.

   Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.

   Woke up naked in a Quick Lube. I'm on the lift. No sign of my car. This can't be good.

   Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.

   Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.

   I know you lifes not that interesting you only took those pictures to post on facebook.

   if you beat the odds , they all knew you could do it.

   You know you're in the ghetto when the liquor stores have posters of Tanqueray, Black & Milds, and signs for a 2 piece chicken dinner special in the window.

   he really wants to control the television remotely but is unable to locate the device that fulfills that desire.

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

   You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

   Should I say Thank You when someone tell me *You look good TODAY!!!*?

   i am always right, never wrong, one time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong...

   if I wanted any lip from you, i'd rattle my zipper..

   walking on sunshine...and it kinda burns

   Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.

   I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the crayon box.