Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend told me they wouldn't mind trying human meat if the opportunity presented itself. Soooo, Guess who I'm not hanging out with anymore...

   I wish bugs understood the concept of personal space.

   The best part of waking up . . . is going back to sleep.

   Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

   You never learn anything by doing it right.

   $100 says I don't have a gambling problem.

   All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!

   Patience is not one of my virtues. Hell, what am I talking about? Virtue is not one of my virtues.

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

   making Holy Water by boiling the Hell out of it.

   wonders if real mafia dudes sit around playing "Boring-ass normal people wars"?

   I was late to work, and my boss told me I should've been at work by 8:30 this morning. I asked him "why? what happened then?"

   If I were to go to hell, it would take at least a week to realize I wasn't at work.

   Hey, whats a four letter term used to call a woman ending in "unt"?......the answer is "Aunt"

   Ellen DeGeneres finds it hard to judge people and hurt their feeling so she is leaving American Idol. Producers have put in a call to Mel Gibson.

   if I had a peso for every lame mafia wars update you posted this week, I could afford to put a real hit on your azz!

   I think I see a light through the tunnel...hope its my friends with a 2 million watt spotlight and not a train....

   yeah she was hot...til she opened up her mouth and the trailer fell out

   Im better at sex than anyone; now all I need is a partner.

   playing 'call of duty' on my laptop on the plane was a bad idea