Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..

   My friend was telling me about his job and he said there were a lot of Hoes there. I got excited so I went to work with him one day. Turns out he's a landscaper. I hate Homonyms.

   Love Walmart where everyone can Enter through the EXIT door and exit through an ENTER door!! What are we all on DRUGS??

   Walmart where everyone can Enter through the EXIT door and exiting through an ENTER door!!

   getting high and watching sharks...

   i mean cmon.... what girl doesnt grab their friends boobs when they are drunk?

   Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left it

   two blondes walk into a bar... you would think one of them would of saw it

   The U.S military has plans for attacking Iran according to the Joint Chief of Staff. For details, go to Wikileaks.org

   The BP spill is now officially the worst spill in history.. surpassing Monica Lewinsky's dress.

   I've had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.

   I think if a player wants more money because he "outplayed his contract", then pay him more if he hasn't been getting into trouble. But, put in a clause stating if he "under plays his contract" team able to reduce his pay accordingly. Injuries aside.

   is watching "according to Jim"...god definatly took the wrong Belushi

   I'm a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.

   I recently met my good friend's dad. All I could think while shaking his hand was, “Gross, my friend came from this guy's balls.” I'm pretty sure it's thoughts like these that separate me from the general public.

   Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.

   Just heard that Snooki was picked up by police for disorderly conduct.. apparently she was caught "orange-handed"

   It's only 9AM and today is already filled with suck.

   never make someone a priority in your life when you are only any option