Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bathroom wall: Can I get a witness? Written below: I don't know. Are you going to do anything worth watching?

   not sure why I should care that Favre is saying he is finally going to retire. Really? Isn't like the 15 millionth time he's said as much? Hey Brett! Ever heard of the story about the boy who cried wolf?

   Does anyone else mutter "righty tighty and lefty loosey" when tightening or unscrewing anything?

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

   I ask Google all the questions I'm too embarrassed to ask other people.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.

   What an awesome Springer quote: "You're the crazy one! You chase me with a hammer and yell all the time, the whole trailer park knows."

   You wouldn't believe how much time it's taken for me to send this Facebook Status update from a payphone.

   Brett Favre retired today from the Minnesota Vikings of the National Football League... In other news, the Sun rose in the east this morning...

   I'm thinking about making my own brand of beer and call it, "Responsibly." That way I would get free advertising from all my competitors. "Please drink Responsibly."

   thinks it's wrong when you go to a strip club and the sign says "Tonight only, all you can eat crab"

   Brett Favre retired today, I'm not Worried about it too much. It's kinda like when Snoop Dog quit's weed. It really means nothing."

   Brett Favre to retire today...IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!!!

   A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered - waiting for autumn.

   thinks the study that came out yesterday saying the more educated you are and the more money you make the more likely you are to drink is wrong.. I think the more you drink, the more likely you are to think you are rich and smart!

   that behind every player there is always someone who put them in the game..(~o,^)..

   just watched the A-team. It was really good. I like the part when stuff blew up.

   Heres a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and facebook profile for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!!

   It goes in dry, it comes out wet. The longer it stays in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and it starts to sag - It's not what you think... it's a Tetley's Tea Bag!!

   The future of American women is being led by role models like Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Nicki Minaj... you're totally screwed.