Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...and buying sushi from 7-11 wasn't even the worst I made decision today

   There is only one woman who has truly changed me. It was my mother and I was a baby.

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   how mad will you be when you find out all the herbs and spices in kfc is just salt

   do not ever think a Mach 3 razor is an appropriate to tool to get rid of nose hairs.......

   In his first day since stepping down from BP, Tony Hayward took a $hit in his neighbor's pool.

   Home Depot has opened their own pharmacy and the hottest item is their version of a male enhancement pill. The side effect is when a pretty girl walks by your garage door opens.

   Brett Farve has announced his "retirement" once again, now tying Cher for most retirements in one career.

   Wonders why are there so many whales on shark week this year. Opppss, never mind. I was watching "The View"

   Bristol Palin has called off her wedding. A Palin calling it quits? Say it isn't so.

   Brett Favre has just announced he is going to play for the Miami Heat this seaon!

   Wondering If I can get a clock that tells woman time. You know, "be back in a minute"=1-2hours. " be right there"=anywhere between 25 to 45 minutes. and of course the imfamous, "Lets just stop by and say hi."= 6hours plus. And last but not least, "just

   You may think I'm dumb but you over estimate me.

   Drugs give me the confidence to do things I never thought possible. Like, lead police on a 12 hour high speed chase.

   on a spinny chair... now you see me... now you don't... now you see me... now you don't...and I get a paycheck for doing this lol

   The thing about unreliable people is that they are very consistent at what they do.

   men's prison is a lot like facebook...if someone really likes you, they'll poke you a lot

   NOT being considered to be a judge on American Idol!

   I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night.It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.

   why is the butter always in the back of the fridge??