Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's a question...Why do girls take pictures together in the bathroom when they go out? I cant recall a single time my buddys and I have posed up for a photo in the john...does it smell like picture time or what??

   Note to vegetarians:Plants are living things to, they are just easier to catch.

   Little girl asked her father,do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time?The father replied,No, some begin with - If elected I promise..

   ‎9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!

   A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief....Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed

   and Premature Ejaculation are now friends...

   Scientists have been investigating how snails know how to find their way home. WTF? It's on their backs.

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded

   When I found out my new toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked

   August 4th 1969....Yeah, not a day that America needed! Or what ever country he was REALLY born in..

   at the circus watching a guy shoot out of a cannon. I thought, "Half of me wants to do that sometime.". Then I thought, "Half of me already did do that the day I was conceived!"

   wished parents would stop posting pics of their kids every day on facebook. We know how ugly your kid is with out the constant reminder.

   I'm one click of the mouse away from taking over the world. HA, HA, HA......

   real men don`t wear pink , it ain`t big and it ain`t clever.

   When you have a cat....you never poop alone.

   I can't believe it, just when I moved to a nice neighbourhood away from all the theft and gun crime, they've gone and invented the houses that were too close.

   so far its been one of those weeks where the middle finger can answer any question!!!

   do you ever look at someone and think 'out of 10,000,000 sperm YOU were the fastest?'

   bought a new car and named it "Curiosity". The cats down my road have had it now!