Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say dont judge someone by the way they look, but I saw a guy today that I am convinced owns multiple NASCAR tshirts, smokes, and has a child with a rat-tail.

   If its good, it's wonderful, if it's bad, it's experience...no regrets.

   Interesting Fact: Put two straws in your mouth: one inside a drink and one outside it. You won't be able to drink through either straw. Try it!

   Aren't the "good things that come to those who wait" really just leftovers from people who got there first?

   History tells a story. That's why you must always clear it before your girlfriend uses the computer.

   People who always use analogies are like a mosquito in your sleeping bag.

   nobody understands me quite like the voices in my head. But they are always telling me to do bad things like eat carbs and tip lousy!

   I wish you were here...in my room...on my bed...with the lights off..under the blanket...so I can show you my new watch that glows in the dark!

   Has a box of tissues,some lotion and a picture of you , I better get a bigger box of tissues .

   not suffering from Schizophrenia, he/she's quite enjoying it. and so am I.

   Jersey Shore is on tonight? I guess I need to figure out how to get these Valtrex into my DirecTV box then.

   California judge overturns Proposition 8 gay marriage ban. Williams-Sonoma registry server ban. Williams-Sonoma registry server crashes

   Better to have people think you are an idiot then opening your mouth and proving them right

   in the frozen food section at Sam's looking for horny milfs with erect nipples

   IRISH and PROUD!

   I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people

   FYI: Do not buy Activia yogurt if you do not need it for the reasons advertised. Not even if it's on sale and you have a $1 coupon and it's double coupon daze at the store...unless you like stabbing abdominal pains and blaming lots of stuff on the dog.

   have you ever notice that Chris Brown, Usher, Nelly and 55 Cent look exactly like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles???

   If Facebook really wanted to shake things up, they would introduce a thumbs-down "hate" button.

   In case you were wondering, this is how you say "bite my shiny metal ass" in Italian: "baciate il mio scintillante fondoschiena metallico..."