Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Artist makes portrait of Rachael Ray using Cheetos. Unfortunately, a ravenous Oprah devoured the entire thing while visiting the set.

   ...Chelsea Clinton got married this past weekend. Great to see Chelsea grow from an awkward, homely child to an awkward, homely adult.

   ...Pam Anderson helps relocate dogs affected by Oil Spill. Unfortnately she had to put one dog out of its misery. R.I.P. Jon Gosselin.

   Justin Bieber to write memoir at 16. I hear his voice changes halfway through the audiobook when he goes thru puberty.

   Wyclef Jean to run for President of Haiti. That would be cool. Then he could totally start a band called The ReFugees.

   Woman claims Brett Favre texted her penisshots. At first he said he wasn't gonna do it, then he did, then wasn't going to again, then did…

   somedays I wake up b!tchy, other days I just let her sleep in.

   just heard that Naomi Campbell walked into a library and asked for Blood Diamond. She was told "sorry dear, you're asking the wrong person, you need a Liberian!!

   instead of unfriending someone facebook should have an "I really F'ing hate you" button

   thinking...do I say grace over LEFTOVERS...since I blessed it when I cooked it...dont wanna bother god with old chicken wings

   I assume most animals are in the zoo for some pretty serious crimes.

   There is a "lie" in believe, "over" in lover, "end" in friend, "us" in trust, "ex" in "next" and "if" in life.

   Road rage catalyst: People who slow down and creep when turning a corner.

   wonders if women are from venus, and men are from mars... where are transvestites from?

   If you're good looking and you know it click the 'LIKE' button.

   Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy Jeans your wearing?

   can't seem to turn off the wildlife feature on his GPS... every now and then it tells me, "In 500 feet, bear left!" Like that's not gonna scare the crap out of me!

   wishing you wouldn't take such steamy showers, it fogs my camera's

   I think I smoked less before I quit smoking.

   I'm not sure why I involuntarily fart while I pee but I'm pretty glad I don't involuntarily pee when I fart.