Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think, therefore I thought.

   What a sweet lemonade stand. Your daughter is going be a wonderful bartender when she grows up.

   Kindergarten class reunion? No way, man. Ive put on like, a hundred and fifty pounds since then.

   Are there Middle of Nowhere souvenirs? Because I've been there quite a few times but have nothing to show for it.

   I never take advice, I only give it. So you can call me a hypocrite, but at least I'm not selfish.

   You know who I hate? Vampires. They can't see their reflections, and yet their hair and makeup is always perfect.

   Getting blind drunk off PBR shall now be known as getting a Pabst Smear.

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog.

   Nothing will get a skinny white girl on the dancefloor quicker than "Baby Got Back."

   I thought you were maybe kinda cute until you took a call on your Bluetooth Douche Detector.

   For decades now, Mario has been collecting coins. He does nothing with that money. Buy the princess a bodyguard or something.

   I never contradict myself. And if you say otherwise, I will agree with you.

   When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

   Ask your doctor if "Shutting the Hell Up" is right for you.

   "Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses.

   Guess drunk? I'm what!

   I would like to give you a piece of my mind, but this is my last piece.

   A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.

   It's not that I'm immature, it's just that you started it.

   had to fill out a doctor paper once it said "sex M/F" I didnt know what M or F was so I put"no thanx"