Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is $0. That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

   Aplogizing is like "whiteout". It covers the problem, but its still there.

   Let's chug on down to Mambie-Pambie Land where we can MAYBE get you some Self-Confidence.... YOU JackWagon!!! (TISSUE??)

   If I get married I want it to be for all the right reasons, like needing health insurance and getting a tax break.

   Finally finished carving GOOGLE EARTH CAN SUCK IT into the a massive cliff. Now... we wait.

   Just hanging out in Washington DC. Anybody need any government while I'm out here?

   bathtub cleaned, condoms hid, fruit bought/displayed...bring on the parents!

   amazed about how slow old people drive.That is until they see a parking spot at the mall of course.

   My son has painted the most beautiful mural. On the side of our house. His new family will be so proud.

   Attention all teens get off facebook nd look 4 a job nd stop waitin for facebook to get you one

   Lady Gaga admitted that she does cocaine. Not really surprising news. What is surprising? She snorts it off her penis.

   and then Buffy staked Edward. The end.

   Montana Fishburne was a prostitue. Wow, a hooker AND a porn star! Or as Charlie Sheen would call her, “Perfect!”

   When something good happens You drink to celebrate. When something bad happens You drink to forget. When nothing happens You drink because you want something to happen.

   That's what you get from putting a fat girl's ass in your face. That's how you get pink eye

   preparing for school to start and the daily doses of Justin Bieber fever. Years ago it was Britney Spears and, yes, I wanted to hit her one more time. But with Justin...I just want to wrap a Silly Bandz around his hair to get it out of his eyes!

   teach you how to dougie ? how about I teach you how to pull up your pants

   in bed with your hot wife... while your at work kissin your boss's ass....

   planning a night he'll NEVER remember!

   The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.