Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wasted away again in Margaritaville

   My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

   Dolphin position?... it's when your having sex doggy style and you go too put it in her ass and she turns around and goes eh eh eh eh.

   being defiant and popping his microwave popcorn with the "This Side Up" facing down. BITE ME REDEHBACHER!

   For english please press uno. WTH is going on here

   Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up.Where are you? You're on Facebook, r

   For every LIKE I receive. I shall drink one Jager-Bomb (Jagermeister + Redbull)

   dont waste your time , because time is money, and money is awesome , so dont waste your awesome

   I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am...

   found $20 under my bed ! my God, my room is so desperate to be cleaned, it's paying me. THE PLAN WORKED

   was just thinking if God didn't want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter…maybe thats why the Trex was always so angry?

   Sharkweek is over, jackass. Humming the theme song to 'Jaws' when the boss is approaching our aisle is no longer funny.

   If I don't appear to be listening to you, don't take it personal. I am just not interested in what you're saying.

   I wasn't born or thrust into greatness; I just had the tools and a choice...

   Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.

   Judge has got a stutter so it doesn't look like I'm getting a sentence.

   As a young child my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out the police call it identity theft.

   There's a little Truth behind every JK, a little Curiosity behind every JW, a little Knowledge behind every IDK, and a little Emotion behind every IDC

   I don't take drugs. I'm not even an athlete

   Star Wars: A very long time ago but somehow still in the future