Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just because I have my cell phone number in my information doesn't mean you have full range of using it.. I would feel like a pretty big creep if I just took someones number off their page before asking for it

   take your wife's hyphenated last name as a clue that she wants everyone to find her, including that one guy that did that thing.

   She has a body built like Pikachu

   I'm not afraid of killing c0ckroaches. It's the fear of his friends and family's plan to avenge his murder while I sleep, that haunts me.

   The dude who invented the high-five must've been left hangin like 90 percent of the time that first year.

   I literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.

   When cops do that thing where they park side by side in an empty parking lot and talk for hours, that means they're in love, right?

   Just got my jury duty check. Time to cash this bad boy and rock the sh*t out of the dollar store! Woooo!

   Early map makers were mostly men, which explains why Florida was usually drawn about 3 inches longer than its actual size.

   Pretty soon superheroes are going to be wearing underpants with my picture on them.

   Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean .... against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.

   Sometimes I sit at a green light not because I'm not paying any attention, but because I'm curious if the car behind me has a custom horn.

   There's no one I relate to less than my relatives.

   Sometimes I'll text random numbers with things like "Have you ever taken a poop so good it gave you goosebumps?"

   Waitress: "Do you have any questions about the menu?" Me: " Yes, What kind of font is this?"

   I'm debating on a new career path, but can't decide if I would make a better professional thumb wrestler or butt model.

   When somebody says "I'm really bad with directions," that translates to me as "I'm too stupid to read road signs."

   I wonder how we really know that hard work never killed anybody, when the only reliable witness may be dead?

   I'm pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never even heard of vodka before.

   If at first you don't succeed, wait a third of your life and look him/her up on Facebook.