Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Real men actually spend time away from their computers." Yeah... that's because they're avoiding you.

   dear local weatherman if its 92° and feels like 102° then guess what dumbass? its 102°

   Saw some guy walking in the field behind the house last night wearing an old hockey mask and carrying a machete. He wandered into the woods. Hope he found his way home. Poor fella.

   BREAKING NEWS: Myspace is dead!

   I am used but in good condition

   Facebook your always asking whats on my mind...But what I really want to know is whats on your mind?

   all these pokes I'm getting am I supposed to sound like the pillsbury doughboy

   Happy+Friday=much fun......

   This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

   Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to

   JetBlue guy wants his job back. Dude, you can't go up that slide.

   JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater is NOT NEWS!!! WTF

   it's friday the 13th and storming. Not gonna lie, I'm half expecting Jason to come knocking on my door...

   Justin Bieber and former American Idol winners are all pitching in to help out with Middle Tennessee flood relief. They are being stuffed into burlap sacks and thrown against the floodwaters.

   in the mood to watch some Disney movies!

   doesn't believe you should get so caught up in avoiding lightning, that you miss the storm...

   You ever watched ants? You got that kinda time on your hands like me??

   IF A MALE AND FEMALE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM 8 HOURS A DAY 5 DAYS A WEEK ITS GONNA HAPPEND SONNER OR LATER

   My five year old son was getting out of the shower and with a puzzled look asked, dad what are these for? Being caught a little off guard, I replied... Balance...

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"