Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dad gave me a set of golf clubs and wants me to try them out... currently waiting for someone to break into my house

   Blackouts are God's way of saying, "WTF, even I don't want to remember last night!"

   I sing along to songs I don't know the lyrics to.

   Don't wear memorable shoes when you're going to take a dump in the grocery store bathroom.

   You were not "just wondering" now tell me why you asked.

   Before a Staring Contest I always blink a lot to get ready.

   My bed is so possessive. Every morning it holds me captive.

   Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.

   The person who said "nothing's impossible!" has never seen me doing nothing.

   Guys, I know when people die they say to move on. I don't want that. Bury me in a time capsule and dig me up every 10 years. NEVER FORGET!

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities.

   It's 100° with an under-boob index of 110°.

   I feel like my co-workers are family. I don't like spending time with my family either.

   "Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you." "So is a grenade!"

   Okay... If we get caught, pretend we don't speak English!

   2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f*ck up"

   I love people that go to the beach w. a t shirt over their bathing suit, I think that draws more attention to whatever ur trying to hide

   if you have to ask how someone feels about you then the answer is not going to be good...

   Happy birthday Dora the explorer now we can get you a GPS

   Before a Break up, Always have a Back up !!