Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love it when the one actually insane person in the office says, "call me crazy, but.." Because we totally DO!

   Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumb@ss!

   Making a pot of coffee so I can get ready to go out and have coffee.

   Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.

   The first thing I do on a computer that doesn't belong to me is go on Craigslist and see if the Casual Encounters link is purple or blue.

   Dead fish washed onto "Jersey Shore" cast's beach. The slimy, oft-horizontal twitching creatures say they feel bad for the fish....

   JaMarcus Russell has admitted failing a drug test. It's all explained in his new book "Eat Pray Eat Love Eat Chug Purple Drank Eat".

   Alcohol doesn't solve any problems; but then again, neither does milk.

   So, I guess the FDA has approved the "week-after" pill - the perfect remedy for those not so skilled at time/pants management...

   Maybe it's just me, but I think throwing rocks and feces at Tila Tequila officially renders you a member of the Sane Clown Posse.

   thinks Elvis is the only King to actually die on his throne...(flush...sfx)

   you know the economy is bad when you walk by a can on the ground and think: dammit I should've picked that up!

   can't believe Nickelodeon didn't get Dora the Explorer a GPS or something for her birthday yesterday, now we have to suffer another year of her being lost everywhere she goes.

   Next time you sit on a toilet today, please take the time to have a moment of silence for Elvis Presley.

   Won't be on for a while guys, just got arrested for 20 grams of Marijuana.

   just because they CAN put a mosque there doesn't make it morally right. In fact it's the biggest slap in the face to us.

   'u know what I'm sayin, you know what I'm sayin' -- No I dont know what the f**k your sayin !

   I write like this not..."LyK Dis"....because I am an adult and I am not retarded.

   Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk and asks for a condom. They ask "shall we put it on your bill", she says "are you thucking thupid i'll thuffocate!"......

   When things go wrong as they usually will and your daily road seems all uphill, when funds are low and debts are high, when you try to smile but can only cry. when you really feel like you should quit, don't call me, I don't give a S#@t.