Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jesus himself told us that He saw Lucifer fall like a shooting star from Heaven... Just our luck the jerk landed at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

   When a fat chick dies she get her wings, but they're not angel wings they're buffalo wings

   I ate so many Dunkin Donuts at work today I think I'm qualified to be given a badge and a gun

   O Friday, O Friday! wherefore art thou Friday? Deny thy other weekdays and refuse thy work hours. Or if thou wilt not, just hurry up and get here already.

   Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

   I will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.

   I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there's a movie I'd pay to see.

   The worst feeling in the world is when you are in the middle of a good story and realize no one is listening to you.

   I love bald men with no dress sense that make me feel bad about myself....I swear I will marry one...ok?

   It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you have money.

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   Whenever I ask "Why me?... a voice always says, "So, who else did you have in mind?"

   the one they are referring to when they say "there's one in every crowd..."

   Some of you make impulsive, poorly thought out decisions. We should hang out more.

   I'm wondering what kind of loser spends Thursday night drinking and bragging about it on Facebook? Anyway, I'm totally drunk.

   Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.

   There's something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it's lunch money.

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   You know what is the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, whereas memories break us.

   "Side effects may include constipation or diarrhea." So what you're saying is I may or may not give a sh*t.