Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. This is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   Mom: With always having to pick up after you kids you'd think I'd be skinny. Kid: Just think how big you'd be if you didn't...

   so for some reason actually saw 5 minutes of twilight which has me placing garlic in all the toilets because pretty sure that's how vampires now enter your house

   It's never a good sign when you've exhausted your daily website routine within the first hour of being at work.

   Kids today will never experience the joy and excitement of hearing the sound of dial up internet actually connecting.

   Man, that .01% of germs that can't be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad ass sh*t.

   I hate when I plan out a conversation with someone in my head and they don't follow the script.

   They say behind every successful man is a woman. So whoever you are, come out here where I can see your face!

   "I've just about had it with you using up all my patience!"

   How come nobody ever says "everything happens for a reason" after something good happens?

   this is not a joke.....if an application for a dislike button comes up on your facebook DO NOT OPEN IT....it is a scam.Just thought I'd warn you folks!

   it me or 80% of handicap people don't actually suffer any handicapped situations at all.

   realized his neighbors are devotion Catholic couple. He usually hears them yellin' "Oh! Jesus" every night.

   wondering what Tennesse Titans' nickname is, giving that Jacksonville Jaguars is "Jags" and Tampa Bay Bucaneers is "Bucs".

   A guy preaching in town today said to me"Madam do you believe in the second coming?" I said "with my hushusbandband I'm lucky if I come once!" I'm lucky if

   My wife's an adult film actress....She's going to be furious when she finds out!

   This old lady was tailgating me so I slammed on my brakes...I think I gave her a heart attack, at least thats what the paramedics said

   REALLY in the matrix......would I know though?

   Frank was here....went to get beer...

   it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all?......no it is NOT!