Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think my face and my body accurately convey how good looking I really am.

   Adorable idea... Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.

   Sober is the new BUZZ!!

   My grocery cart right now says, "I'm getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!" And also. "I like fruit."

   "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" "Yes you are, I appreciate your apology."

   You know I like my status updates like I like my mini skirts. Long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting."

   Have time to kill but not necessarily going to kill in that time.

   can officially call myself a man today, made cupcakes on my own without the help of mother!

   I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

   Ice cream conversations.. They all want the scoop!

   wants to thank the people that posted those 'Yeah Favre Retired!' Status's last week. Thanks to you, I now know who NOT to get my NFL updates from."

   Glee...what a cheesy and annoying show that is...ugh!

   your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your gods promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry

   So these ads for medicine are really confusing me.... They now have this creme that helps your eye lashes grow... but the side effects are blindness and black eye lids...so your saying I'll be blind with two black eyes but I'll have long eyelashes??...I'

   heard, that Facebook is developing new application, that will show where your friends are, at the time of writing......that is stupid, because I know they are all at work

   do you know why kids think I'm Cool?.. Because I was raised to talk and think like a 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle' that's why."

   In fairness, we've been building 'ground zeros' near Iraqi mosques since March 2003.

   feels like being single at 35 is akin to being a vulture...waiting for some other animal to walk away from some good bones that still have lots of tasty meat on them.

   I guess running up to a squad car, screaming "shot-gun" isn't as funny as I thought it'd be?

   typed this status with his toes.