Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   So she "just wants to be friends." Cheer up! That's more than most people want to be with you.

   having a hard time deciding.. Laundry today or Naked tomorrow?

   Sorry, but it was time he ended it. You're both going different directions in life... he's getting taller, and let's face it... you're just getting fatter.

   See! I told you that someone would still find you attractive! At least he's not your real dad.

   Don't be so dramatic! Somebody out there will like you just the way you are. After all... there are plenty of blind guys out there.

   I often wonder what I've done with my life. But then my clinically sane friends visit me, and I remember why I enjoy being nuts!!!

   You know you're having a bad day when your blow up doll ran away with your air mattress

   I just got the best deal ever on eggs.

   was a strange kid. I had an upper and lower G.I Joe.

   Me, walking: "Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way!" Me, driving: "LOOK OUT FOR CARS, freakin idiots."

   It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.

   They say that money isn't the key to happiness. If I had lots of money, I'd have the key made.

   Sleep is like sex... I don't get either one as much as I want.

   You know that nervous feeling you get every time you're about to slide your debit card? And then the joy you feel when it says approved.

   Some "smart phone." Can't even tell the difference between a "Missed Call" and a "Purposely Ignored and Sent Straight to Voicemail" one.

   When I was a boy, we didn't bail countries out. We took their land.

   No, really, I'm laughing with you. Well, I will once I can find the time to stop laughing at you.

   ‎...just heard that angered by today's Federal indictment for lying to Congress about his use of steroids and human growth hormones, Roger Clemens threw a car at reporters...

   i used to get money.....actually I was just taking it