Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails!

   "Sometimes you just need to disconnect and enjoy your own company"

   As I sit here kind of hazy, I wonder is it me, or all the rest who are crazy?

   I know the feeling. The lady in the vegetable sections at Publix Supermarket was getting frustrated with trying to open one of those plastic bags. She recently had plastic surgery but you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

   A guy said to me, "Hey, buddy. You got 10 dollars for a sandwich?" I told him, "Let me see the sandwich"

   Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

   Way more fun being in my 20s in the 70s than in my 70s in the 20s

   .rehtafdnarg sih fo serutcip edun ot ffo gnikrej morf kcab si toggaf efil on ,nwod sbmuht ehT !kool ,hO

   I can't believe all the Me×icans who are taking Amer¡can jobs. Amer¡can jobs previously held by 16 year olds.

   If you perform in a guy and a gal musical duo, and you play to the Monday thru Thursday dinner crowd at a volume level where you can hear a pin drop... your career has epically failed.

   An infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters and an infinite amount of time would eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare.

   Coffee doesn’t make the world go round, but it sure makes the ride more bearable

   It ain't the dems. It's dem niqqers.

   Life is full of disappointments, and I just added you to the list.

   If you get on an airplane nowadays, you're out of your mind.

   Remember when funny stuff was here? I don’t think even Pepperidge Farm does.

   Carmelo Anthony will be judged by a jury of his peers. By peers, they mean niqqers who who compromise 13% of the population yet commit 60% of all violent crimes.

   Heard any good jokes lately? Probably not here.

   Good night haters!!!!!

   Jealousy is a terrible disease, Gary. Get well soon.