Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power

   I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

   UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.

   Next time a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It's dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!

   It's not you, it's me. I just don't like myself when I'm around you.

   I don't mean to seem culturally insensitive but I'm not buying Chris Brown's story that he's one-eighth Slapaho Indian.

   Quick, how can you unmeet someone?

   A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.

   Doing the Chipotle cleanse.

   I'm glad we can't smell each other through the internet.

   Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.

   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.

   The new Ipad gets all hot and bothered in your lap...Ladies- take notes:)

   The only "B" word you should call a women is beautiful. B*tches love to be called beautiful

   She wants to share a Facebook account? Run.

   I called out my wife's name during sex and she walked in to see what I needed. Won't do that again.

   TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.

   I'm sooo tired I spent all night reenacting scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen

   Want people to not mess with you? Put blue Gatorade in a Windex bottle and walk down the street drinking it.