Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just discovered an addictive app, see y'all in 2015

   Anyone want to be friends with benefits? Like we'll give each other rides to the airport and help each other move but still be just friends.

   If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me

   It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a cockroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

   When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 16.

   Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.

   When 2 people are meant for each other- they stupidly get married!!!!!!!!!!!!

   My turn ons are only a light switch away.

   There's a good chance you don't like me. But an even better chance I don't care.

   Whenever you're feeling down, remember, you're the sperm that won.

   5 words that scare the hell out of me in horror movies, "Based on a true story."

   So on a scale from Ramen noodles to bisquits and gravy , How high are you ?

   Deleting your facebook is like running away from home. `You`re just doing it for attention and you'll be back in an hour`.

   Naked pic's of George Clooney.....crap this isn't Google

   It might just be me but every time I say synonym I have to stop myself from to say Cinnamon.

   never on schedule...and always LATE!

   Lying through your teeth doesn't count as flossing

   In my hay day all I did was sneeze.

   What's up with helmet babies? Let your kid have a funny shaped head. God loves all His children, even the pear-headed ones.

   watching hard core pawn is like watching when animals attack. If this is what people in Detroit acts like we may need to put a border fence around it and just pay Canada to take it.