Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."

   Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME!

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.

   I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store.

   THINGS THAT ARE DAMN HARD TO FIND: 1. A phone on silent 2. Fat girl's clitoris 3. True love

   Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

   What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and sh!t?

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(

   I think Hotel California was written about Facebook.

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?

   Tiger Woods's win last weekend is a great reminder that sex addiction only affects your golf game for 923 days.

   Their truck said "on site drug screening"..... those A$$holes wouldn't let me screen a single drug..

   I don't know alot about history,,, but I know Marco Polo was definitely the most annoying swimmer of all the famous explorers.

   The memories of all the naughty things I've done in my lifetime will always bring a smile to my face.

   Ba careful darling, you've got something on your ass… my eyes.

   Saw a real ugly-faced, pimpled girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism!

   When I get old and my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals; stand over the caskets and whisper "you should have forwarded that e-mail to 12 friends..."

   Twitter is where you find a hit man. Facebook, an alibi.