Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   COME ON STIMULUS I GOT THE BODYWASH UPSIDE DOWN WIT A LIL WATER IN IT. 🤣

   Amen; The wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her.... Probably should have specified "with me"

   My New Year's Resolution was going to be to quit all my bad habits, but then it occurred to me- no one likes a quitter.

   My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

   2022 is going to be my year, I can just feel it!

   Twisted Tea is the new Can of Whoop-ass.

   Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

   Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts? Pac-Man: *deep breath*

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

   When people say we're in this together! I wonder if they'd mind if I sent them some of my bills until my stimulus check gets here?

   kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again

   Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.

   Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

   No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

   Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Sh$t” and a one and a two

   Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.