Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Home is where your booze is and where you can poop as long as you want.

   Updates are like performing live music. Often the audience goes wild for your mediocre solo but sleeps through one you think is brilliant.

   Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

   NEWS: Scientists have discovered that some fish have pedophile tendencies.... (Specifically, the ones that swim around outside the school.)

   I keep a bat by the side of my bed,... in case a thief breaks in and wants to play a game of Baseball.

   An Eskimo in the Artic has been arrested on suspicion of rape. Police want to know where he was on the night between September and March.

   I was dating an English teacher, but she dumped me.... She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

   "Shuck, Fit, Ciss, Punt!" - Dyslexic Tourettes Sufferer.

   When women ask for your opinion what they really want to hear is their opinion, but in a deeper voice.

   "Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen..." Anchorman gets a sequel!

   I've got Alexander Graham Bells telephone number....... 1-

   I have just hired 2 private investigators to follow each other..... Let the games begin.

   There's a new #Aerosmith album coming out, so call your grandma she'll be excited.

   If you're going to carry on a cellphone conversation in the men's room you can count on me to make HORRIBLE noises and flush every two seconds.

   My wife just accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.

   Don't assume I have a bad memory if I don't remember what you tell me. More than likely its becasue I don't like you enough to pay attention.

   Just came from the doctor. Got high score on the blood pressure machine. Doctor wouldn't high five me. Jerk.

   denied black olives on my white bread, while wearing a hoodie. I am declaring racial profiling!

   I invented a new sexual position called "The Republican" where I screw poor people.

   I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body... Then I was born and that ended that fiasco.