Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just walked out of Wal Mart and thought to myself... "Wow, I've never seen it that empty with customers". Then it hit me... WrestleMania is on tonight.

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"

   Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured

   When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."

   My girlfriend is leaving me because I'm obsessed with nike.. I looked her dead in the eyes and said "just do it"

   I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.

   I wanna know why I wasn't invited to the orgy last month. It must have been one hell of a good one with all the women announcing their pregnancy today!!

   OMG !! This Google Circles thing is the Shizznitt... - posted on Facebook.

   Tomorrow I'm calling Geico and saving 15%, then I'm calling Progressive and saving $475, then State Farm to save $540, then 21st Century to save $430 .... by the time I'm done, they should be owing me money!!!

   The crowd is huge at this year's Wrestlemania! But America's obesity problem is nothing to joke about.

   I don't have a pet,, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won't even chase the laser pen,,, It's got 8 eyes so I *know* he sees it.

   I wish I was a gloworm,,, a gloworm's never glum,,, cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum

   First rule of Alzheimer's club:

   Best Facebook update yet: unfollow post. Because sometimes, I really don't care what 100 other people had to say about your post, I just wanted to leave a comment.

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

   A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers.

   April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

   My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants. I said "For f-cks sake petal, where has this stemmed from?"

   Yea I saw the Hunger games, I'm not saying it sucked, but I believe I wasted 2.5 hours of my time and $10.50 seeing a sh*tastic movie that should never have been made