Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wouldn't consider myself Single, more like I'm in a relationship with Freedom!

   afros are comin back, thats cool......makes hiding easter eggs so much easier

   I know dream catchers don't work,, because I've never seen one in a car worth more than three thousand dollars.

   if they get defensive they are almost always guilty

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out... "Wow, who knew they had wi-fi up there?"

   My Ex went to her Dr.'s looking for something to treat headaches... He gave her some pills and said to give one to everyone she meets.

   I sit for 5 minutes laughing at my own tweet.. Then read it to my wife who looks at me in confusion...

   Praise be unto Jesus,, owned so epically on the Cross so that we may not be similarly Owned & who on the 3rd day turned Epic Fail to epic Win

   When I am in an extra big hurry I take a "Doc Bath" and rub each nipple with a wet Certs.

   I think I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. My liver might have just started waving the white flag.

   It's been 18 years since Kurt Cobain died in case you were waiting for his corpse to become legal.

   My favorite Easter tradition is when Uncle Gary starts giving everyone Stone Cold Stunners a half hour after the deviled eggs are gone.

   And on the third day God created the beach,, so every 70's rock band would have a place to shoot their album cover.

   I opened up a can of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.

   Someone has stolen my wife's knickers off the washing line.............. They can keep the knickers but, please, bring back the 28 pegs.

   Just a thought: Do Muslims write OMA instead of OMG?

   When I get down on my kness, its NOT to pray. - Madonna

   Thumbs up if you still kicking it old skool without the timeline........

   ate too many easter eggs...now I got the squirts!!

   I'm tired of boiled eggs so I'm hiding scrambled eggs this year.