Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love it when Facebook flirting turns into tearing each other's clothes off and passionate sex.

   Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I'm paying!

   •Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone... which actually makes it fair.

   •The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

   There's too many people out here who have the balls to state their opinion. But not enough balls to be that person who makes ish happen.

   Dudes that are upset because instagram is now available on Android are prolly the same dudes who pees while sitting down.

   Coffee is nature's way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”

   The only thing worse than girls going after the "Bad Boy" is today's perception of what a Bad Boy is.

   Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

   Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he is adopted...

   Did anyone else know that "Fes" from That 70's Shows' name stands for (F)oreign (E)xchange (S)tudent

   When I say ‘it's a long story', it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   When I drive if you beep your horn .31 seconds after the light changes green I will shut off my car, lay on the hood & feed birds for an hour.

   The human brain is amazing, It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exams.

   You should get out of any relationship where you secretly hope the other person is kidnapped and held for a ransom you can't pay.

   I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.

   You can tell how much you like someone by how strong the urge to check your phone is when you're with them.

   Hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice... Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

   I was just fired from my job as an ad executive for Nike. Apparently putting the 'Just do it' label on the crotch is considered "offensive and inappropriate."

   If there is one thing that women have taught me... Is that it is OK to eat dessert before the main course! ;)