Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's long and hard, but can't get up? A North Korean rocket.

   Today is Friday the 13th..not so scary...Oh wait....here comes my ex- I change my statement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Watching Friday 13th - a load of awful make-up, on brain-dead 'zombies'. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   SOPA and PIPA tried to attack your 1st amendment. CISPA will attack your 4th amendment....if you let "them" of course

   *Stop the CISPA bill progression*. It allows the government and private companies to spy in on YOUR PRIVATE INFORMATION on any site as a means of “cybersecurity"......(Bulls**t)

   You Are Not A MAN if you can make A BABY, Your Are a Man Who Can Raise One Especially One which is not yours ~ Mr. Krab

   I Don't Drink Anymore !!!Although ...I Don't Drink Any Less either ;p

   I like when a woman tries to shove 210 pounds in a 135 pound dress because I used to bag groceries and admire that level of conviction.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   I'm not going to lie to you. There's a good chance that at some point, I will probably try to do you. That's just how I roll.

   being that they're all middle aged men now with kids of their own, I think now's a good time to change their name to Minivan-Halen.

   David Lee Roth is apparently an old man now, yelling that the air conditioning was too cold in the arena last night, salsa dancing, jazz hands, total cornball.

   What do you call the head of North Korea's failed rocket program ?.......The Deceased....!

   Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...

   Thanks to Facebook, whenever I go to a really great restaurant, I never tip the server. Instead, I write "Bob likes this" on the wall, flash them a thumbs up and walk out.

   Friend: "Whats a good movie?" Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about?" Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"

   When I wasn't looking someone grabbed my shopping cart on Amazon and replaced it with one with a squeaky wheel. Of course my stuff was gone, and this one was filled with a bunch of "Preperation H" and a couple of those blow up rubber dounuts.

   Attention to all my lady Facebook friends; Posting pics of you and your men kissing and frolicking is one sure way to get deleted.

   I sent that b!tch a smiley face. B!tches LOVE smiley faces

   There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.