Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No human society exists without booze or religion. That's why we drink religiously.

   I want to fist punch any grown man that fist pumps

   We've got way too many pointless idioms but at the end of the day it is what it is & it's all good.

   milk expires tomorrow, guess who's having 3 bowls of cereal tonight!:D

   Today is the day in some households, that colored eggs get dumped in the trash. Because enough is enough.

   I decided to follow my dreams and it led me to a casino, then to 4 bars, an hour ago I was in a gun shop and now I'm in front of a bank.

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

   You drink a lot. You use crude language. You have low morals. You're exactly what I'm looking for in a friend!

   Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone.

   We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!

   If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.

   I always eat at McDonald's when they do the Monopoly pieces. 1 in 4 wins obesity.

   I don't get why everyone told me how great it is to swim with dolphins. I've been stuck in this tuna net for five days.

   Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?

   With "Slim T's" t-shirts Man has finally perfected the Wifebeater-girdle.

   Guys, if I'm singing a show tune with my pants around my ankles, that means I'm occupying at least three urinals, okay? Don't be creepy!

   At 24 Hour Fitness. Trying to get them to stay open an extra hour so I can really take things to the next level.

   Took 2 benedryl last night. When I woke up, my best friend was missing, and Mike Tyson's tiger was in my bathroom.

   You have to be one thing or the other because if you're always about to be something then you're nothing.

   Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!