Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Dude she just called you DEAF! " "What? " " She called you deaf !! " " Oh hell no, my name is NOT BETH "

   Dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. You are simply giving me more options just in case I am not feeling you.

   Evidently I was the designated drinker tonight. I rode on a Harley to the party, but I arrived home in a Subaru.

   Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.

   I think we all need to get on the same page. I'm on page 69.

   Can we just be honest about something: when is ziti ever not baked?

   Remember, nothing you do will be remembered.

   Am I the only way that amuses myself completely by barking at my dogs thru the paper towel tube?

   My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow.... I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button.

   shout out to all of the crips that's stopped at a red light right now.

   I love catching up with friends that I haven't seen for a while so that we can all sit around together doing shyt on our phones.

   I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.

   The only Happy END that I know it's the weekEND

   You're like a Password. Hard to figure out, but I always want to keep trying.

   Practice being nice, so that when you really need to be....it's not so hard.

   Dear food commercials, Nobody eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Sincerely, normal people.

   I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught...

   I just heard that Paul McCartney is throwing a fit now that he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife....

   Just spilled Whiskey all over my insides!

   Wine gets better with age? Obviously wasn't an alcoholic that figured that out.