Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It looks like you also lost a considerable amount of brain cells when you slipped and fell on that black ice you r@cist a$$hole!

   BREAKING NEWS: 200 DC Politicians were spotted at the air port headed to Cartenega, Colombia on a fact finding mission lead by Bill Clinton.

   When you accidentally like a stranger's picture as you scroll on your smart phone.#stalkerfail

   I slipped and fell on some ice last night, when I got up my wallet, keys and cell phone were gone....must have been black ice.

   Rather than buy Instagram, it would have been nice if Facebook put that money into just 1 version of their app that ACTUALLY works.

   My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!" She has a weird way of apologizing.

   Does anyone know where I can register to become a sex offender?

   n't it weird that the majority of people taking a sh!t in a public toilet conveniently have a permanent marker on them?

   I was going to start taking self defence lessons but I decided on algebra instead. I heard there's safety in numbers

   My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."

   What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.

   The ‘L' in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F'.

   10% of car thieves are left handed. All polar bears are left handed. So there's a 10% chance that a polar bear took your car.

   Back in my day we went to the bathroom to use it, not take a picture of yourself...

   I bet Ke$ha could change her name to 'WhiteTra$ha' and no one would ever know the difference.

   How come if you eat two cookies you gain 3 lbs. Then when you take a major dump, you don't lose anything?

   I'll be a team player when I get paid like a damn pro athlete.

   Insanity doesn't RUN in my family. It just STROLLS around, taking it's sweet time....

   BREAKING NEWS: Gingrich Quits Race to Join Secret Service

   The best revenge is to show them that your life is getting better after they're gone