Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember whe a bathroom mirror was for brushing your teeth and picking zits , now it's for "duck" shots !!! Technology is awesome !!!

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(

   Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.

   What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.

   My favorite post of yours is........ the one I hitch you to at night.

   Darth Vader's #1 song on hid iPod ... every breath you take ...

   Here is my new idea. In the express lane, once the cashier rings up 1 item too many, 50 pounds of pig sh!t falls on the customer.

   Darth Vader had a hell of a case of emphysema.

   Wife : Does these jeans make me look fat ?? Me : Nope ... your FAT makes you look fat !!

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   Used the men's room at Taco Bell earlier and I'm pretty sure the guy in the stall was giving birth to a Buick.

   What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable ?? Gettin' her out of the wheelchair!!!

   I didn't call you fat; I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream like that.

   OMFG!! The Titanic sank!! The Titanic sank!!! - My status from 100 years ago today.

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.

   How to find out if a girl is a slut in 2 steps. Step 1. Call her a slut. Step 2. Wait for her reply (If she jokes back...not a slut. If she gets pissed... then you found yourself a skeezer.

   This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him "You passed my house, let me out" & he's all like "Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."

   M C SQUARE is Einstein's Rap Name.

   On my first day of pre-school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery... There I was...all alone....surrounded by trees and bushes.

   "Why does stuff like this always happen to me?" - gay passenger on Titanic