Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.

   At least your tax dollars are helping the secret service get laid.

   The reason we give kids middle names is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   I have come to realize that the only reason I eat taco bell is so I can light my own cigarette with my butthole.

   Here's a good one: What's funnier than "I/'m bad...really bad". ....Everything!!!!

   I don't always correct someone's spelling but when I do, I google it first so I don't make an ass of myself.

   Wife: Hey babe! How's your "Boy's Night Out" going? Me: Don't hang up! They say I only get one phone call..

   Today was really good !!! My ex saw me with my new girl at the mall at lunch , I'm guessing my ex had a huge peanut and jealous sandwich washed down by a nice bottle of "hateraide" !!

   I saw a couple of signs that read "END ROAD WORK". Now I'm all for a good protest, but I just can't get aboard with this one.

   Being dyslexic and online dating can be a big problem. My last date I thought it said nympho maniac. Turns out she was a necro'philic.

   To reality check , sorry for not being up on Buick stock like you ... don't care .. as far as Tiger ..again ..don't care .. You take this crap seriously , don't you .. man , please go get laid !!!

   To the dumb ass that keeps posting stacti from over 3 years ago, Buick does still make cars, and SUVs. What planet are you from? Here's another slap in the face, Tiger won a tourney a few weeks ago.

   SO homosexuailty is UNNATURAL , like cutting your grass ? like 90% of the food we eat ??Air conditioning ?? Live your own life ..leave everyone else alone !!!

   FB a place where you can quote anyone at anytime without any reprecussions at all !!! Abraham Lincoln

   What's white and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A refrigerator.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.

   Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.

   An Irishman walks out of a bar. ...

   Like if you remember ... TONIGHT let it be Lowenbrau !!

   Facebook...Where people present themselves as up and coming stars, yet no one, including 99% of the people on their friends list ever heard of them.