Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Gays are from UrAnus

   hoping that Kevin Love Rudy Gay and Ramon Sessions end up in a picture side by side in full uniform. three words....GAY LOVE SESSIONS

   If someone does not appreciate your presence, give them a taste of your absence and see how they like it.

   Pamela Anderson bankrupt. Owes IRS over $500,000! Says she'll repay once she's back on her feet. IRN doesn't know when she last saw her feet

   Awww.... It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

   hvng n nxpctd vwl mvmnt aiaueeeoeoee...

   I miss 1999. Ya know, when we all used to do it for the Nookie...

   Guy next to me ordered a vodka cranberry "light on the vodka". I had to go to another bar, I cannot be around someone who acts like that.

   Guys, If you suck on a fat girls t!tty for more than 10 seconds, you will get type 2 diabetes. Fact

   If you're going to slow down on the freeway whenever you see a cop, try not having the "I have a heroin condom in my butt" look on your face

   I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths, it's only fair.

   Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends'.

   I speak 4 languages, English, profanity, sarcasm & real sh!t

   Went outside before without my iPhone & Twitter. Panicked. Didn't know what to do. Ran in circles. Tired now. Need a juice box.

   make me an alligator sandwich and make it snappy

   If you don't purposely get face soap in your nostrils to blow bubbles, you're not as self entertained as me.

   All we need to keep us happy - is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done!!!

   I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be immortal at this rate

   Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!

   Women are a Weapon of Cash Destruction.