Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone know any strippers that accept ATM cards,

   It's that time of the year again where the trees are having sex. I wouldn't mind it except my car seems to be getting the money shot and I'm the one who has to clean it up.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.

   my doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. I have to sit when I pee now.

   Best part of golf, Getting to wash your balls every hole.

   I'ma punch Cap'n Crunch on the roof of his gums if I ever meet him .

   The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait

   Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick..

   I am sick but I must say that I am extremely sexy with my hair all mushed up and my body glistening with Vicks rub...

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   Went deep-sea fishing with my neighbor yesterday. He was tough to get on the hook, but you should see the shark I caught!

   "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common....... I hate you too. Let's date.

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

   This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Pissing me off is like kissing a Rattle Snake... it's just not a good idea.

   Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.

   I do my best Kool Aid Man wall busting impression when I arrive at a party and find out there's no booze.

   Well, it's almost that time of year I find out who my real friends are when I start getting calls from friends I haven't heard from since last Summer. You know, since I have a swimming pool and all.