Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gentlemen, nerd girls are the world's greatest underutilized romantic resource.

   My 1st relationship taught me that men and women aren't all that different. And my 2nd one taught me that my first gf was a tranny.

   You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

   When the air hostess stops smiling and sits down, then you know it's about to go down.

   If you play a Ke$ha song backwards, you hear messages from Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you hear Ke$ha.

   "F%&k da haters, imma do me, these b!tches aint real I'm the realest b!tch" - Every Ghetto Chick On Facebook

   Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.

   HOORAY HOORAY the 1st of May,outdoor screwing starts today!

   Snakes are just tails with faces...

   To be completely honest, you should know that I am a compulsive liar.

   Everyones first attempt at a passionate kiss looks like a mule trying to eat a sugar cube through a split rail fence.

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for shit to happen.

   I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"

   Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

   Mowed the yard today and threw my clippings in the neighbors yard........ #SuburbanThugLife*

   Guys that can pass for pregnant shouldn't be allowed to take their shirt off in public.

   I was going to pull over and let the dogs drive for a little while; but they've already had a few drinks.

   I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember everything...

   I keep my head held high because I know there's a beautiful deaf, mute & blind woman out there that's going to find me irresistible one day

   98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.