Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back.

   Going to the homeless shelter today...not really sure if I want to adopt one unless they assure me that its housebroken.

   Mr Wilson should of just filed for a restraining order against Dennis the Menace..problem solved

   Those kids who cant find the Totino pizza rolls in the empty freezer, then leave the phone in the freezer deserve to starve to death

   fake freckles and pigtails doesnt necessarily make a 40 year old "barely legal"

   Tulisa, sexiest woman in the world? I wouldn't even have her down as the sexiest woman in N-Dubz.

   Can officially include rescue operations on my resume after I saved a bug from a spider web

   when I grew up, no one chased their dogs to pick up their crap, we waited until it turned to white powder and disappeared

   Jessica Simpson had her baby. Apparently, Kanye busted into the delivery room and said Beyonce had the best baby of all time.

   Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store

   I bet crackheads totally misinterpreted the "can you smell what 'The Rock' is cooking, saying.

   Are my kids spoiled?...Well lets see..when I was 6 I wanted play doh for my birthday, my kid has asked for play-station

   if William Shatner takes a crap, does he call it a "captain's log"?

   Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress

   now a days...all the little rascals would have been removed from their homes and the parents would be facing neglect charges

   How come changing the channel doesn't get these damn Kardashians off of the tv?

   seeing your neighbour looking at your window with a binocular is creepy, when you are looking at their window with a binocular...

   I'm not loving anyone that I'm not legally required to.

   I'd like to help, but not as much as I'd like not to.

   NEW SECRET SERVICE CODE OF ETHICS: 1.) When arguing with a hooker in the hotel hallway, Use your "Inside" voice. 2.) You're only allowed to jump on a prostitute if you hear her ticking. 3.) Proudly display the U.S. Flag, But NOT the pole.