Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" - girls who are mad

   just wondering why they have a box to put your name in when you can just put someone else's name

   Sucks when you find out you have crabs and are allergic to shellfish

   I am not really sure I can trust panda express. They say they have talking, emoting pandas that eat meat....sounds too good too be true

   Just ran into the ex-girlfriend. She's doing fine ...but my poor car was totaled beyond recognition

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

   I cant take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you are coming to my room.

   there someone making $ off of all this "Liking" on FB?

   If the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

   My children have turned me into a Serial Liar...

   According to my shattered iPhone screen, I had a pretty awesome weekend.

   To the woman with 4 screaming kids at Target : if you're wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart... You're welcome.

   What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?

   According to Facebook, everyone did some really fun things with the kids this weekend and has a dog.

   I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.

   (づ▶__◢)づ︻┳デ═一 say YOLO one more time.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right. My life has been a never ending quest to determine just how many are required.

   I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve loved being the first people,, cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts

   I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."

   If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security.