Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I gave our new female employee an instant promotion in exchange for sex. You should've seen her face when she found out I wasn't the boss.m

   Some of my "friends" on Facebook need to be reminded that high school is over.

   If putting a cup holder, car stereo, car horn, and a patio umbrella on my riding mower is weird, I dont wanna know what normal is.......

   Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you!

   I'll believe almost anything someone tells me in a British accent because they sound really smart when they talk.......

   Irony: People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.

   When I have money, I have nothing to buy. When I don't have money, I want everything.

   Dear Jesus, I can afford wine. How about you start turning water into gas?

   Some kids think they are so smart when they get behind a computer... Bi$ch, I have email accounts older than you.

   If I gave a sh*t, you'd be the 1st person I'd give it to.

   By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you: deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my A$$ !

   I believe in Karma That means I should be able to do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .

   New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.

   I'll act my age when I'm 69.

   I Dared my sister to go in to the mens washroom today..but she did not have the Balls ..

   I speak 4 languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm, & Real Sh!t..

   Grandma turned 84 today,Hope she like's the push up bra I got her.

   Heading to Mt. Pilot with Thelma Lou for Goobers funeral...

   If you don't scream "AHH,, IT BURNS!!" when peeing in public,,, then you're no fun.

   Never look down on anybody,... unless you're helping them up.