Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't spell " Attorney ", your parents should call your school and demand a refund .

   Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder...

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,

   When you turn on a light and the bulb burns out it's because you suck and that bulb would rather kill itself than hang out with you.

   Sign of the times! Honey come quick, my kids and your kids are beating up our kids.

   I keep my friends close and my enemies on a tight leash.

   Anyone wonder why Internet explorer 9 has commercials? When it comes with every computer anyway, and its free to download?

   *Year 2050* Son: “Dad how did you meet mom?” Dad: “Aaah my son… It all started with a Poke on Facebook”.

   Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

   wow, just heard on the news that all gulliable people that use facebook are going to be charged $17.95 a month to have their photos on facebook!!

   I'm trying to explain to this cop that I was tweeting while driving, not texting. He still wants to know why I'm driving naked.

   What to confuse Hellen Keller ? give her a basketball and tell her to read it

   I fell down the stairs today, and may never walk again. I wasn't injured, I'm just really lazy.

   Starbucks really isn't that expensive when you consider what Victoria's Secret charges per cup.

   Queen Latifah says she's a lesbian? I was as surprised as every one else that she was a chick.

   gave my wife a Klondike bar...still waiting to see what she's going to do

   Buying water at baseball games is ridiculous! $5 for water?!?! If I wanted to pay $5 for water, I would buy Miller Lite.

   I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.

   I believe in Karma, Mainly because I can do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .

   Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is calling me a doctor because I own Band-aids.