Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jack White is just Edward Scissorhands with human hands.

   If someone doesn't stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it's totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.

   The Camouflage Snuggie: the ideal gift for the military afficionado in your life who aspires to blend in with a couch.

   When a woman says "I can't get laid" we all know she's just being damn picky.

   The world won't change until there's a tampon commercial where the girls are all curled up on couches and angrily drinking wine.

   Hey everyone storing up food and supplies 'In case of the 2012 apocalypse', if it happens, you're going to be murdered for that sh!t.

   When we were kids, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on our foreheads.

   "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor: "Is this her first child?" Me: "No, this is her husband."

   What do we want? A cure for TOURETTE'S! When do we want it? C@NT'S.

   The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep Happy Mother's Day

   I attribute my great patience to all the dial up porn I watched in the 90s ...

   Happy Mothers Day to all the good Mothers out there and a BIG f#ck you to all the sh!tty ones

   What do Chicago Bulls fans do after watching the Bulls win a play-off game?? ... turn off the play station 3

   I am pretty sure some girls just have babies so they can put it on their Facebook pages.

   If I'm ever resurrected after I'm murdered I'm going to be one vengeful b@stard.

   Husband during anniversary dinner, "I love you so much, let's go do it in the alley. I'll give you $30."

   If your baby is singing a Nicki Minaj song, I will trip that baby.

   If someone sends you 5 texts in a row, and you don't respond, that's basically going to be their suicide note.

   If weddings were for couples there would be men's wedding magazines.

   A great relationship is when you notice your girlfriend has just out-farted your record setting giant fart from 2yrs ago and all you think is ‘Oh my god she did it!!”