Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   for those who never worked at a restaurant before, walking in 5 minutes before closings automatically entitles you to "special sauce" on whatever you order...

   What do we want? A cure for TOURETTE'S! When do we want it? C(_)NT'S.

   I asked my mom what she wants for Mothersday smh she never changes she said "for you to eat your vegetables"

   To all the mothers: Happy Mother's Day. Don't let it go to your head. You are a working double tomorrow.

   So, if 2 dudes marry, who gets to be the ungrateful, spoiled b!tch??

   Ï believe that upon death,at heavens gate,there are 2 books in which your name need be,the book of life,&the avengers attendance sheet

   I can't believe Mary's parents bought that whole "pregnant virgin" thing.

   To all the Hit Moms out there, Happy M.I.L.F. Day ;)

   Marriage is like a permanent tattoo, looks awesome on others, you want it too, you feel nervous at first, you get it done and then you are stuck with it.. :P

   "You don't have to send your mother anything today, we already paid her enough." - Gay dad

   Dear Women, We're not lying, we're trying to prevent you from killing us. Love, Men

   Vegetarians, your boyfriends want to break up with you.

   That thing where hypnotists snap their fingers and people fall asleep? Do they make that for kids?

   People who bring a bottle of wine to your house really want you to see that they are people who brought a bottle of wine to your house.

   Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

   I'm sure I have annoying habits as well but lately my wife is doing this thing where she ages.

   I am just a boy standing in front of the internet, asking it to love him.

   To be fair, most marriages are pretty gay.

   Steven Tyler looks like a zombie crawling out of a drag queen's hamper.

   King Kong has everything on me!