Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WIFE: Honey, before we got married, you used to buy me expensive gifts and take me out for dinner and now you don't. Why is that? HUSBAND: B!tch please! Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to a fish he has already caught?

   Facebook share value went from $38 to $43 already.  Now Facebook has sufficient funds to install aircraft landing lights on Rihanna's forehead.

   Why is Facebook going public? They couldn't figure out the privacy settings either?

   I want to start my own icecream brand and call it "Lick Me Till". Lick me till ice cream...

   I'm starting to think I really need a vacation, this morning I caught myself pretending the shower head was a waterfall!!

   My teacher always said to me; " nothing is impossible!" He he I showed them, I've been doing it for years

   Make the little things count. Teach midgets maths

   I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.

   Fact: Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

   So you discovered your best angle when you take pictures... You lil model you, hardly recognized you! In real life!

   Of course I talk to myself - sometimes I need expert advice!

   Fell asleep after lunch today and had a bad dream. I hate daymares.

   I just told an ethiopian to shut his fly hole.....in retrospect, I guess that was mean.

   surprised my wife with a beautiful necklace and dinner last night...well actually, the candy necklace was her dinner...but hey, its the thought that counts

   My neighbor is opening a pig farm... Just caught wind of it today.

   Apparently,,, Someone's been putting Rogaine on my Q-Tips and toilet paper.

   Man Utd have just announced, that after a trophyless season & a run of disappointing results, they have this morning, sacked Howard Webb..!!

   Through technical scientific research, I have discovered a direct correlation between the size of a woman's breasts and how mentally unstable she is. The bigger the boobs, the bigger the crazy.

   Don't take this the wrong way, but putting your number on FB, asking people to 'invite' you on WhatsApp, has got to be on some world record level of DESPERATE

   If buying cereal for the coveted toy inside is wrong , I don't want to be right .