Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My guidance councilor had a poster in his office of a kitten hanging from a tree that said "You should probably go ahead and kill yourself."

   I think it's pretty awesome to be overweight, because I can usually foil any trapdoor plans

   I will be the first rapper to rap about the troubles of programming a spare Garage Door Opener remote.

   I have a slight cold, so let me know if you need my address to send sympathy cards.

   The guy who invented "Take Your Child To Work Day" probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

   Nothing says you're out of shape like getting winded while vacuuming.

   Just doing my daily check here to see what to post.

   I'm chivalrous. I always hold the door open for a woman so I can get a better look at her butt.

   In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to subtly disapprove of everything people do today by loudly exhaling.

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't - Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

   When someone says "I've got the Mondays" I yell "OH I HOPE YOU DON'T DIE FROM IT!" and then we don't ever have to talk again.

   Is the whole point of the Home Depot commercials to make me feel lazy?

   Actually, officer,,, I prefer to think that PBR smells like me.

   I think this time around we elect a 17yr old girl president... That way when the economy goes sour,, she can run to her room and slam the door.

   I'm a Hangman master when we play using binary.

   Good morning beautiful ladies "Kisses" Good morning ugly ladies "handshakes"...

   Help your local police, beat yourself-up.

   Things you should never do after a breakup: 1. Listen to love songs. 2. Read old messages 3. Read their statuses, tweets or updates.

   There is an over abundant amout of "your thumbnail pic was hot but the full size pic made me shudder" on Facebook.

   The opening to OKC-Lakers 2nd half is the perfect commercial for Southwest airlines. Hey Mike Brown, want to get away?