Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There’s no such thing as a covid vaccine, they just inject you with a really small guy that builds pillow forts around your cells so the virus can’t enter

   Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years. “Installing update 1 of 97”

   My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

   From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.

   Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

   At least with all the pick-up and. four wheel drives in Texas they shouldn't have much trouble driving in the snow.

   You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

   I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce

   There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

   I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

   Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

   I swore off men….it lasted 3 1/2 minutes.

   I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

   My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

   You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

   Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?

   Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here Me: This is a service burrito

   True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.

   murder is just a late abortion

   If women aren’t meant to cook then why do they have milk and eggs inside their bodies