Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sittin' in the Dr.'s office next to the "turn off cell phone" sign using my phone to share this with you. Because, yeah... that's how I f*ckin' roll. :)

   It's funny how the things I like most on a woman are the things I like most on chickens....... "Legs and breast."

   "I'm sorry, baby, I just have a lot on my plate right now." - Me breaking up with my girlfriend at Old Country Buffet

   Spare the rod, spoil the child? Um, no thanks. That sounds gross. How about I just keep using my rod to spoil these lovely ladies? (^^,)

   Just spilled coffee on my crotch. Now I have a hot rod.

   My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a sh!t.

   To the person who put those three stupid messages using my ID... Your m0m's 0rg@sm face looks scary...

   More than 7 billion other people in the world,and not one of them is naked in front me right now. That's not right...

   Hershey's is coming out with a new candy bar for transvestites... called Heshey's

   She wanted to do it doggy style so I sniffed her ass, humped her leg and bit her on the face.

   Strip Rock Paper Scissors is my new favorite game.

   It's annoying that I don't understand all these Call of Duty or Lord of the Rings jokes. Then I remember, I have a girlfriend.

   No one cares about your problems. Take your clothes off.

   Your dad once had a shop towel that he used to clean up oil and grease. That towel grew up to be Russell Brand.

   I'm trying Speed dating, but so far all these women are screaming at me to slow the bus down under 50 mph :(

   Today I'm going to sleep naked. *14 mosquitos likes this*

   there anything worse than being in a quiet break-room with someone eating something crunchy?

   There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

   Making my lunch for work sucks ass because I smoked a big joint before going in and I ate everything by 9am.