Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   :Shout out to single moms (because I know they put out).

   Dear Doctor Phil: I am 16 years old and I am not pregnant yet, does that mean my brother is g@y?

   Hun! You are just like a doll ; Pretty, but Life-less, dumb as a rock and everyone plays with you.

   WIFE: Honey, before we got married, you used to buy me expensive gifts and take me out for dinner and now you don't. Why is that? HUSBAND: B!tch please! Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to a fish he has already caught?

   Facebook share value went from $38 to $43 already.  Now Facebook has sufficient funds to install aircraft landing lights on Rihanna's forehead.

   Why is Facebook going public? They couldn't figure out the privacy settings either?

   I want to start my own icecream brand and call it "Lick Me Till". Lick me till ice cream...

   I'm starting to think I really need a vacation, this morning I caught myself pretending the shower head was a waterfall!!

   My teacher always said to me; " nothing is impossible!" He he I showed them, I've been doing it for years

   Make the little things count. Teach midgets maths

   I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.

   Fact: Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

   So you discovered your best angle when you take pictures... You lil model you, hardly recognized you! In real life!

   Of course I talk to myself - sometimes I need expert advice!

   Fell asleep after lunch today and had a bad dream. I hate daymares.

   I just told an ethiopian to shut his fly hole.....in retrospect, I guess that was mean.

   surprised my wife with a beautiful necklace and dinner last night...well actually, the candy necklace was her dinner...but hey, its the thought that counts

   My neighbor is opening a pig farm... Just caught wind of it today.

   Apparently,,, Someone's been putting Rogaine on my Q-Tips and toilet paper.

   Man Utd have just announced, that after a trophyless season & a run of disappointing results, they have this morning, sacked Howard Webb..!!