Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what don't make sense!!!? Fat people with skinny arms.......

   When I go out to eat I put a tampon in my pocket. If my waitress acts like a c*nt guess what her tip is?

   You know that feeling when you know you're doing something wrong but you just keep doing it anyway? That's how I feel all the time.

   My girl asked me over and over and over to go to the store to get her some tampons. I got tired of heaqing it so I told her to put a sock in it.

   dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.

   I managed to work out by tracing backwards to where my relationships with women started to go wrong... I traced it back to... "and God created Eve."

   named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact Psychopathic Maniac turns 3 tomorrow

   Like if you remember the cereal called "freakies" ...google if you don't ..gotta love the 70's

   Never give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   I can count to five in Spanish. Maybe Pitbull will let me be on his next album

   Random fact of the day, Americans piss out 114,000,000 gallons a day...that's 172 Olympic sized swimming pools of piss being disposed everyday!!!!!

   Yesterday I asked my girlfriend what she'd like for her birthday... She's still talking.

   I'm lucky. I have no problem getting my husband to wear his wedding ring. He says it's a chick magnet.

   Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.

   Biologically speaking, the human body requires certain things to work in order to make a baby. Unfortunately a brain isn't one of them.

   Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.

   I just figured out what it is I say to people to get them to tell me their innermost, messed-up thoughts: "Hi."

   I just thought of something that really sucks. How are you?

   #Facebook will be worth even more someday to the alien scientists trying to determine why humans perished.

   Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling