Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bernice from south beach tow vs Bobby from lizard lick....the ultimate fights

   To poke or not to poke. That is the question.

   A man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings

   maybe Jimmie Johnson is a better driver than I thought.... he managed to give Rick Hendrick a blow job and drive a victory lap at the same time...

   relieved that the bottle of "Glass & Steel Cleaner" was "Not tested on animals".....

   I'm always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he'll spare my life when he finally snaps.

   I wish Facebook would make the text bigger on its mobile app so I can read it easier when I am driving

   Vibrator factory workers probably check their phones every ten seconds.

   Apparently my microwave has two settings....Cold in the center and Surface of the sun...

   Never judge a girls body from a picture of her face.

   My Motto in a Relationship is : "You Take Care Of Me, And I'll Take Care Of US"

   Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear...'Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep.'

   Women are like iPhones: You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries: Rub one ball and everything moves

   I don't care about what you're doing, I want hear about how much you hate what you're doing

   She said "Every Kiss begins with K", I said "To bad Ugly begins with U"

   Quick question, Ladies, If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the f$ck are you doing?

   "911, What is your emergency?" "2 girls are fighting over me!" "So what's the problem sir?" "The ugly one is winning"

   Alcohol doesn't cause Hangovers...Waking up does...

   Official #Facebook IPO slogan: "You've already wasted your time on Facebook. Now waste your money."

   My wife and I have a waterbed - I call it the "Dead Sea"!